Tag Archives: feedback

NYC Short Story Feedback

I didn’t make it past the second round of the NYC Midnight Short Story writing challenge. It is not too unexpected. I had a hard time getting into the theme. I knew it was disjointed and even though I sent it off I didn’t really like it. So, although it was a slight disappointment I wasn’t surprised.

A great thing about doing the NYC Writing challenge is that even if you do not get passed on to the next rounds they still will give you feedback on your writing. I find that the feedback is very helpful. Some of the stuff I am aware of other notes are new- it is all helpful.

Below is the feedback they sent.


”The Lost Mission” by Adrienna Ogin – WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – ……Interesting ideas. I was most interested in the main character’s history, including his teenage belief that he had come to the stars…….The mystery is presented up front, which pulls the reader in.//The tone has a distance to it which helps the reader identify with the protagonist’s predicament……………………………….I really like the inter-dimensional aspect to this story – it brings a real sci-fi flavor, but it feels fresh. The story has a nice arc and feels complete by the time we reach the end. The shift in perspective for the final paragraph is handled well, giving us just enough information to leave a ghostly after-image, without over-explaining……………………….   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – ……The scenes of this story feel structurally disconnected, and I wasn’t able to put it all together at the end…….There’s a switch of POV at the end — and those last lines are chilling and leave a strong impression. However, those lines would work much more seamlessly if there were some anchor at the beginning so that it’s an echo, rather than an out-of-the-blue POV switch.//When a story is rendered in the past tense, it’s important that anything which happened before the time of the story is rendered in the pluperfect…………………………….…Some of the descriptions were a little bland or too general. For example, “Life had felt relatively normal before his trip…” Normal by whose standard? Why “relatively”? And: “He had always felt somewhat different…” You can cut “somewhat” and double the strength of the statement. But even then, it might be better just to lean on the examples of his feeling different (hearing voices, needing therapy & medication) and trust the reader to know this means he felt different from other people. And: “…after some years and some medication…” How  many years? What medication? Getting more specific will help lift this story to the next level…………………….


Feedback from the Judges

I received some feedback on my first flash fiction from the NYC Flash Fiction contest. This is a pretty nice thing since you don’t always get the judges feedback on contests.

My story placed in the top 15. I had originally thought I had placed in the top five which was really exciting to me, but looking closer at their judging and scores I realized that it wasn’t 5 as in fifth place, but it was 5 as in 5 points. So if you got 14th “place,” well… you know.

I have to wait another month before finding if I made the next round. I’m going to guess that I probably will not make the cut on the next one. The second challenge just didn’t come to me and I just never felt that good about the story. And, now that I know my last story didn’t do as well as I had originally thought, I’m pretty certain my most recent entry is going to probably bomb. Hell, at least I’m writing. It’s hilarious that the only way I can now get myself to write is to pay someone else to challenge me to write. Seems to work. I grow broke, but I grow broke anyway.

So here’s the positive:

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – ………………I enjoyed the fact you included action from the opening sentence, instead of building up to it. I think it created a stronger sense of suspense and engagement. This was an excellent premise, too!…Good suspense in this story — great pacing. The first person narrative works well, and I like the writing. ……………This is a very interesting take on biological warfare and some of the various things that could happen. There is a real sense of suspense. I like how you drop the reader into the action after it has already started. I always knew where I was and what was going on, which is a real achievement.

I think that’s some nice positives. I have to say the whole including the action from the opening sentence is proof that those writing classes I took in college paid off. So many times teachers told me I took to much time to get to the meat of the story. I really thought about that when writing this piece.

Now the negative or better put- the “still needs” work.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – ………………I would have liked to know more about “the Doctor”, and how he had formed a relationship with Max, Steve and Clair – just a little bit of background here could really round out the narrative….Watch some of your descriptions and try to make them carry more weight. Here, for example: where they left Clair’s stiff, but living body… Why is it stiff, but still living? Be more specific with your descriptions. ……………This story needs another edit for spelling and grammar. In some cases you have used the wrong word, e.g., effect instead of affect. Pay attention to these details and it will make your writing stronger. ………………………………

Oh my god, so much of this is the bane of my writing existence. The reasons I often don’t bother sharing my work.
I’ll begin with the non bane part. I’d like to know more about the doctor too. In all honesty the story wasn’t fleshed out at all. I was in China at the time I wrote it and got completely confused about the time difference and at how much time I actually had. I ended up writing the story and sending it in within eight hours of getting the assignment. There wasn’t any real editing or back story- na-da. It wasn’t until after I hit the submit button that I realized I had a whole 24 hours left to work on it. I was bummed, but I still got some points so I’m doing something half right.
The descriptions carry more weight comment is so important. I know this. I get this. But, I have trouble with this. I’ve always dreamt of being a poet and poets are the masters of using the less words to have the most impact. Hemingway was amazing at this. It’s because I am not a master of my own language. I’m not even an apprentice. I’m behind. And speaking of behind, let me get to the bane part.
Oh my spelling and grammar. Will I ever improve? I’m not lazy about it I’m really not. I try to improve, but obviously something is wrong with me. The affect vs effect- I’ve seen the aardvark example so many times- but the skull is thick with this one. I could say, in my defense I wrote and sent the story in with only eight hours worth of work time, but why bother. I’m not a strong writer. If I had done at least one slow edit maybe it would have been a little better, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, I’m glad to get the feedback. I think it’s helpful. Unfortunately, I sent in my second story before seeing my weaknesses so I’m sure I repeated some of them.

If you want to read the draft you can read it here.

Back to the Short Story Board

It has been awhile since I have touched any of my short stories or worked on anything related to this blog.

I recently pulled out some old work, Gunter McWilliams and Ishi two short stories that I had felt had reached completion and both of which have been rejected. I didn’t send them out to too many places so I’m not heart broken.

I had my friend check them out. She is a great reader and had some interesting feedback.

Gunther is science fiction and was a timed writing for the Short Story writing contest. I came in fifth place which I think is pretty good, but the pages were limited. Now that I have no page limit, my roommate has suggested that I expand on the story. She brought up something I hadn’t noticed, and that was that the character is a bit lecherous, and pathetic, and that I should explore that part of his development more. Of course, I wouldn’ say those traits are actually developments.

The second story Ishi is based in truth, but I have desperately tried to make it a fiction piece. She said it was too broken up that the vignettes worked in the sci fi but not Ishi. I have to tell the truth with this story, as uncomfortable as it is to tell.

I probably wont touch them until my novel’s final draft (I think final) is completed. I have 121 more pages to go.

My Antheneum is coming to an end and what I have learned through this experience is that I write a lot more than I give myself credit. I had no idea that I had managed to write as much as I do, only I want to write more.

Searching for new places to submit

I made a few changes to my story, not based on any editing advice, since I didn’t receive any, but I felt that I found new weaknesses in my work. I can tell this is going to be a problem with me. When I had first decided to submit Ishi, I had already been through at least fourteen or fifteen drafts, and I had felt that it was truly finished. Yet, once I went over it trying to figure out the possible reasons that my story did not make the cut, I found that I didn’t like the ending, and I also discovered I no longer liked the title. Now, in the mysterious world of submissions, unless an editor actually tells you why you were not selected, there is no way to determine what was the deciding factor. It could have been your grammar, your structure and personal editing or maybe they didn’t like it or maybe it just didn’t fit the style of the journal. Who knows, my issue is not so much with the journal or the rejection but with my own eye. How can I be so certain that my story is finished, and then three months later find problems within the story? How do I know I wont do this three months later? This is a fourteen page story, again, I think to the 300 page novel I have to edit. I can’t think about it or I possibly will stop writing altogether.

As a positive and productive distraction from my own self demands, I found other magazines, and journals to submit my latest version of (whatever the new titled story will be) my short story. I created a deadline calendar. I’ll just practice submitting, and try not to care if I am accepted or rejected (Ha-ha). I’ve added more links to this blog with upcoming deadlines and lit. journals. I read some really good stories out of the New Millennium Writings and Upstreet.

From beginning to end- Kind of…

Ishi is the first short story that I have worked through on this blog, and actually started with the idea then worked all the way through to the moment where I finally finished it. Still, now it is the submission time. This is far worse than any other part of this process because there is absolutely nothing I can do. I did as much as I could do for submitting, I did research on the lit journal, and read all the short stories, I started out locally, but that’s it, now, all I can do is wait and wait, and either they take me or don’t. Then I submit somewhere else and wait and wait.

The last time I submitted I just forgot about it, which is what I’ll do this time around, but I will admit that this story is better than my first submission. I put a lot more work into this one, and I worked very hard on crafting it to the best of my abilities. I wasn’t lazy about this one. The higher and more dedicated the time investment, the harder it is to just push an electronic submit and watch it just go out where it’s up to someone else to decide if it is good or not.

Last night, after posting about how I knew the story was finished, I went to bed and as I was lying there I began thinking about a specific paragraph and I thought, “crap, I think that paragraph needs more work.” I’ve been through that story hundreds of times, and once I think it is done, suddenly there is something else, but I just had to let it go. Not the paragraph- I went back and I tweaked a word here and there. I’m not making big changes now just small things. Well, I hope they like it, I really do because I worked pretty hard on it. I want to be better, a better writer, I hope that each story I write is better than the last, but right now I have no idea what caliber of writer I am.

Until January 31st, Ishi is out in the world.

You ask and you shall receive

Just as I was thinking of leaving the Zoetrope community I was given three really great reviews, all with workable feedback. I have now worked on the third revision since I originally posted The Rules of the Game, three or four days ago. I am finding that I literally could write all day long. One story alone is taking me weeks to write well.

I’ve added a few elements to the story in regard to the portion about the Native American tribe that once lived in the area per advice of my roommate and I re ordered the events and changed the ending. This has been a challenging process. I find that I can whip a story out pretty fast but there is so much more development involved. I am amazed that people write novels. I am working on a novel and it is taking me forever and I haven’t even reached the part in the novel where I am in the short story process. I mean it i could do this all day.  I envy the working writer, and those that get to be paid for what they love to do.

Speaking of getting paid to do what they love. I read another great story out of American Short Fiction by Patrick Somerville. It is titled The Universe in Miniature in Miniature. I was such a great read. I have only been delighted with what I have read in American Short Fiction and if I ever found myself published in their journal it would be an honor to share the pages with these  great writers, Patrick Somerville, Christie Hodgen, Karen Gentry just to name a few.

As a last note in regard to my most recent short story, I think the title needs to be changed, I feel like it is close in my head but not quite there.

Review and Rejection

I received a great review from one of the readers on Zoetrope, revising my faith in the online writing site. She didn’t say it was a great story. She said it was a good start but it needs a lot of work. She did write specific places where I needed to work on the story which is really what I wanted to get as far as feedback goes. So based on some of her criticism here is the new opening sentence to my story, The Rules of the Game:

When I was eight most of my childhood emotions had been stored away into tiny Tupperware containers and then stored in a basement in my belly, and in dark shelving behind my ribcage. I’d keep these feelings locked away until they started wanting to live and breath on their own, but it would be a long time before that, for now it was just quick recordings and storage. It wasn’t often that I would formulate a feeling, attach a name to it then reflect on it again. If I did it was lost somewhere in my body, but the day I stood in the kitchen as my mother was preparing pork chops for dinner, and I told her that I had to come home early because Gary got in trouble, I had made a decision, one of a few decisions that I had come up with on my own, and the emotion, the feeling, didn’t get stored away, but sat in my belly like a bad meal, gurgling and pinching my gut making me nauseous. I decided I wasn’t going to tell her why he got in trouble, what it was that he did that made his mom hit him.

In other news, I got my rejection e-mail from Caketrain.

Dear Adrienna,

Thank you for the opportunity to read your submission. After careful consideration, we have concluded that we are unable to publish your work at this time. The opportunity to assess the unpublished creations of writers from around the world is a great privilege and responsibility, and with that in mind, we want you to know how honored we are that you have trusted us to consider your work. We invite your further submission and correspondence and remain grateful for your continued support of the ongoing Caketrain project.

Of course it is a bummer to not get published,but I don’t think the story was good enough anyway. I think it is good that I attempt to be published even if they are not of the best quality yet because I just want to at least go through the motions of a least trying to get published. In fact, maybe I will feel like I really deserve it once I finally do get published. They only downside in the rejection is that they don’t tell you what you need to work on. I don’t expect it, there are so many submissions no one has time to give the writer feedback. I’m glad to be able to work on the story again and revise it and send it out.