ShrtStry1-using the feedback-Gunther McWilliams prt1

Its been awhile since I’ve been to this post but I’m back.

I’ve taken Catherine’s (CP) advice from the first part of feedback, you can check out the specific of what she wrote here but this is the story using her advice.

Gunther McWilliams woke with a dreadful headache. Last night was his 32nd birthday, and he and the guys from work had quite a row. Now it was time to pay the piper, and Gunther had to struggle through yet another dull workday worsened by a nauseating hangover.

He stumbled into the kitchen to pull out a bag of cat food then poured it into a ceramic bowl on the floor.

“Rodney,” He called out. He waited for a few seconds then called out again. “Damn cat,” he mumbled as he walked to the bathroom, stripped off his clothes, and stepped into the shower. His mind wandered to Linda Silverston the new receptionist at the office, a real hottie too, big blonde hair, big brown eyes and big boobs. She seemed to have taken a liking to him; she had come to his birthday bash and had had a couple of drinks. He knew he was a nice guy, not the most handsome but not ugly, and he only had a small paunch. He patted his belly fat. He decided he was going to ask her out. He was 32 years old he shouldn’t be afraid to ask a woman out. He would do it today, right after work. He smiled at this. Gunther didn’t take a lot of chances, but he was resolved to start taking some right now.

As he stood in the doorway with his briefcase he glanced around his apartment one last time.



Gunther liked routines. He took the same route to work, stopped in the same coffee shop, got the same type of coffee, and the same croissant with ham and cheese, all to go, all paid with his bank card every work day. He had been doing it so long that he didn’t even have to say the order. He’d just walk up to the counter hold out his card, and the cute red headed barista would say, “Hi Gunther, the usual?” And he liked that.

He entered the coffee shop, the red head smiled at him as he approached. He stopped at the counter and handed her his card. She looked down at it.

“What can I get you?” She asked.

He was taken a little aback, but then thought she was being cute with him, flirting even.

“Cute.” He said. “I’ll have my usual.”

She stared at him. In fact, she stared at him as if she had never seen him before.

“Are you an actress?” He asked her with a smile, “is that what you do other than work here? Cause you are doing a great job.”

“I’m sorry sir I don’t know what you mean.”

“Okay, okay,” he was getting annoyed, “good job, now just get my usual.”

“I’m sorry sir but I don’t know what your usual is.”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “All right, maybe this is some acting class assignment so I’ll play along this once, but that’s it. I’ll have the ham and cheese croissant, and a medium Americano double shot no room for cream.”

“Okay sir that will be-“

“I know what it is, just run the card.”

She swiped his card. “I’m sorry it’s been declined.”

“What do you mean it’s been declined? Something must be wrong with the machine.”

“No, I don’t think so, I just used it with a customer before you. The machine is working.”

He huffed and pulled the card from her hand, “here use this one.”

She swiped the new card. “I’m sorry this card has been declined too.”

“What? There is something wrong with your machine I tell you.”

“No sir, its your card. I used the machine right before you. In fact I have been using it all morning. You are not the only customer in the café you know.”

“I don’t know what is up your butt this morning girl but you need to take it out before it gets stuck.”

Excuse me?”

He felt a push at his shoulder, “You don’t talk to her like that.”

He turned to face the broad chest of an incredibly fit man.

Gunther wasn’t much of a confrontationalist. He took in the size of the gentleman behind him, and decided to deal with it later. “Fine,” he said to the girl “but I’m never coming back in here again.”

“Good.” she said.

He stormed out of the shop. He could not believe the indignity, the nerve the absolute nerve of that girl. He would stop in after work and make a formal complaint, how dare she act like she had never seen him before. He walked past an ATM. He paused then put his card in the machine and punched in his number. The screen popped up a message that said, invalid pin code. He typed his code again.


“Impossible,” he said to himself, “I’ve used the same code for years.” He typed it again pressing firmly onto the keypads.

Invalid. It swallowed his card.

“God damnit.” He yelled. This had to be taken care of now. He pulled out his cell phone to call the office, but there was no signal. “What the hell,” he screamed.

In the bank he requested to use one of their phones in order to contact his work.

“Good morning, Seagul and Blu insurance-“

“Hello Linda?“


“This is Gunther McWilliams, I’m having some problems with my bank and I’m running a bit late. I’ll be in as soon as I clear up this fiasco. Thanks, bye.”

“I’m sorry who did you say you were?”

“Gunther, damn it Linda, I don’t have time to fool around here, just give them the message.”

“I’m sorry sir—“ she started to speak but Gunther hung up.


One response to “ShrtStry1-using the feedback-Gunther McWilliams prt1

  1. Pingback: Setting Bolder Goals « My Short Story Workshop

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