Gunther McWilliams- more feedback

NYC Short Story Challenge judges sent me some feedback on my story. It’s great that they do this, it is my understanding that it is not often you will ever get feedback when you submit to contests or publications. If you do get this opportunity be sure to soak it up. Here are their views:

The Good:

”Gunther McWilliams”- WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT – …………The plot of this piece is amazing. I think the writer does an excellent job making this scenario seem that much more realistic. Given the story, the title of the piece does a nice job of alluding to what’s to come. I like that once the story is over, the title takes on a new meaning, a darker one. Additionally, I enjoy the pace of the piece: The writer nails each scene. …………………………The piece is propelled by a well-staged sense of mystery.  Gunther’s panic is effective and disturbing………….Interesting, creative premise.  Well-drawn main character.  Lively, realistic dialogue………………….

With the bad (or what needs work):

…………I think more about this world could be made slightly different or off. I wonder if you could allude to the people this man knows and how old they are. Additionally, do people value youth? It seems this is the case. Thus, I wonder if you could bring this into the story early on: an obsession with youth or maybe just hints or mention of how few have aged around this man. …………………………The last section of your piece is awkward in the desire to “unveil” the master plan.  The “Logan’s Run” arguments are interesting, but the exposition stalls the piece and sets it in a less interesting convention.  It might be more effective to have Gunther’s inquisitiveness lead him to answers in a more active fashion.  Avoid the desire to explain everything.   …………Many grammatical errors.  One complaint in the logic department – the missing cat was meant as foreshadowing, but it is specifically stated that the humans are treated at birth to forget others when they turn 32.  The cat should not have been affected.  When you stated this important fact yourself, you misphrased it so that it reads as if humans forget all OTHERS when they, themselves, turn 32:  “…is the message to forget people at the age of 32.”………….

Many grammatical errors? CP said few.

So many thanks to the judges and CP and now I want to boil this information for a bit and see how or if I want to apply it too the next (and hopefully) final draft.

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