Shstry1- Gunther McWilliams prt 2

Continuing on from part 1…

Gunther’s knees weakened. “That’s impossible,” he said, “I thought the city council declared that each person has his or her own name, each person has their own unique identity, there are no others with your name. How can there be a mix up, how can that child have my name?”

(in regard to the council being all seeing all knowing) It might be useful to let the reader know somehow subtly that this is a council type thing that is a bit stringent in this way. I know you had limited words to contend with, but it might be able to be done quickly like gunther’s on his way out the door and has forgotten to take the garbage out. ‘The council will have my ass!’ or something. Because I remember being surprised that he was aware of the council’s level of control.

“Look at me do you not see me standing here. Huh? Are you blind? I am Gunther McWilliams, I work at Seagul and Blu’s insurance company. I have a black cat named Rodney and I graduated from Chester College seven years ago in business. I am Gunther McWilliams.”

                 He felt at tap his shoulder, “The council will see you now.”

* This transition was jarring: He felt at tap his shoulder, “The council will see you now.” He’s arguing with the woman but gets called suddenly. I’m thinking that he was loud and the people in the know were all, ‘okay, we have to do this now. he’s screaming.’ But wait. Thinking about it more, I like that even the employee doesn’t have any idea of who he is and what has happened, so it increases the intrigue. Maybe have the employee look shocked. Maybe have gunther turn back around at her and look smug and she return the smugness. He thinks he’s getting preferential treatment, but we soon find out…nuh-uh.

“It is gratifying to meet those with inquisitive minds, regardless if it is too late”

The council mumbled with agreement.

“Too late? What do you mean?”

“Mr. McWilliams,” the woman on the right spoke, “We are an over populated culture ….. (I don’t want to give away the end!)

*I like the dialogue with the council. That’s where you really bring your theme (in my opinion what your theme is) home. it made me want to go learn something. It could definitely be expanded, such as how does the old gunther’s enlightenment help the new gunther. what happens to the old gunther? maybe they don’t die but are sent out to pasture. There is definitely a lot in just this exchange. But again, I know you were constrained by word limits.

*the only other things I can think of is there are a few punctuation errors.

Only a few? Hell, that’s really good for me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s